It’s November 2008. The moment has finally arrived. There’s no backing out now. My heart is racing, my hands are sweating and my stomach is churning. My mind is picturing the moment the nurse will wipe my arm with an alcohol swab before she goes to lance my vein with what I imagine will be a syringe fit for a horse. As with countless other times I’ve had a blood test, my body is reacting as if my arm is going to be sawn off, right until the blood is drawn, when I feel like my arm actually has been sawn off.
I inevitably feel faint. My body/brain has gifted me with a strong vasovagal response, meaning that every time I get a blood test my heart rate slows down as if to prevent bleeding to death. It’s the queasy light-headed response that I’m dreading the most. I’ve tried everything to control the anxiety in the lead up. After-all, in 2007, one year previously, I had finally completed my doctorate in clinical psychology. Surely I’m equipped to tackle this! But relaxation, distraction exercises, logical reasoning and various mantras don’t seem to abate my body’s irrational response. In fact, on previous occasions these strategies seem to have made matters worse.
I feel like I’ve tried everything bar a lobotomy to address my nerves. I feel like I’ve been battling the current of a rip for too long and today I’m going to just go with it. So instead of trying to feel calm, and not feel any dread, I’m accepting that this is just part of the journey for me. I’m reminding myself that I’m doing this to take care of my health and to just accept the process. Like running into a burning house to save a loved one, I feel that my inner struggle is in the service of a worthwhile outcome.
To my surprise, the whole process seems to go by quicker. I’m still feeling queasy afterwards but it seems quite transient and manageable. I’ve learnt an important lesson – when we try too hard to get rid of discomfort we just end up creating more suffering and anxiety, known as ‘dirty suffering’. However accepting our reactions allows us to focus on behaving in a way that is in line with what is important otherwise known as ‘clean suffering’…and ironically often leads to uncomfortable feelings being more tolerable!
This can be challenging as who doesn’t want to get rid of discomfort??! But suffering is suffering and whilst sometimes there may be no way to be rid of it, we can ease our suffering by letting go of the struggle.
